Book Report: How to Keep House while Drowning by KC Davis, LPC
How to manage clutter and home care tasks for those with ADHD and other challenges
The subtitle of this book is “a gentle approach to cleaning and organizing” and it is so true. Whether you are neurodivergent, have a mental health issue, are going through grief, addiction, or another very difficult time in your life, this book is for you. It is written in an easily readable format and has tips to manage daily tasks when just getting out of bed is a challenge.
Your house is a mess, and you are not lazy
Already in the introduction, KC Davis is letting you know: you are not lazy. Often we connect dirty, messy, and unfinished care tasks such as laundry and the dishes as lazy. But this is not true. In reality there are usually a multitude of reasons as to why you are not able to complete these care tasks. But laziness is not one of them. She writes, “I was tired. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I was in need of help. But I was not lazy. And neither are you” (p.3).
Don’t let your donations pile become clutter by waiting to find the “perfect” donation location, any local non-profit is a great choice! Give yourself permission to go with the easiest and most convenient place.
Care tasks are morally neutral
The reason we feel so much guilt and shame about having a messy or dirty home is because we think that says something about ourselves. Being “good” at a laundry routine, dishes, or keeping your house tidy has nothing to do with what kind of person you are. You are a great human being, even if you are too overwhelmed to take out the trash and deal with the mail. When you think about it, care tasks are complex and there are many that need to be repeated over and over, every day and week. The first step is to change your mindset. Completing care tasks around your home is not a measure of your success in life.
Your space exists to serve you
KC Davis is clear “you don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you” (p.9). The point of care tasks is to make your home functional. This is whatever you consider functional to be. It does not need to look like a home from a magazine. You are not alive in order to spend your days creating a picture perfect house. A home is there for you to function in. A place for you to feed yourself in, sleep, and complete whatever activities you choose.
Similarly, Davis says that if you are able to pay for assistance and that is what is most functional for you, then you should. Paying for grocery delivery, laundry service, or a cleaning person is not a privilege only for some, but for anyone struggling with these tasks for any reason. The main theme of this book is to be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can! If you need help, access that help.
Decluttering with ADHD
KC Davis has come up with “The Five Things Tidying Method” (p.19). This is a strategy can be completed in chunks over time, reduces the possibility of becoming distracted, and rewards the brain after each step. According to Davis, there are only 5 things in each room.
Trash. Take a trash bag and gather all the trash. She encourages you not to take the trash out, and continue on to number 2.
Dishes. Gather all the dishes and put them in or near your sink. Don’t do the dishes, continue on.
Laundry. Gather all the clothes into a laundry basket. You guessed it, don’t do the laundry.
Items that have homes. Start in a small area and put everything that has a home away. Put everything that doesn’t into a pile. Continue to move around the room putting away and piling items
Things that do not have homes. This is really your clutter pile. Determine what you will keep and what you will get rid of. Find or create a home for anything you will keep and put it away.
Lastly, you may throw out the trash, do the laundry and/or the dishes. With this method of tidying, you are able to complete one category and then easily take a break or wait until tomorrow to continue.
Struggling to Start
Many people struggle to start tidying up or other care tasks. They think it is a problem of motivation. However, if motivation is a desire to clean up then the problem is not motivation at all, but task initiation. This is an executive function that folks with ADHD and other neurological differences may struggle with. KC Davis suggests several strategies to overcome problems with task initation.
Music. Create some movement in your body through music. Turn on the music and begin moving in any small way that feels right. As you begin to move, you will create some momentum and can move toward whatever care task you are trying to get started on. See what happens.
Permission. Give yourself permission to do only one tiny part. Perhaps you only throw away a few wrappers today. Perhaps then you are finished, or maybe you keep going.
Moving towards. Think about ways you could move towards the care task. For example, can you go to the room where the care task is located. Hang out here a while and see what happens. Play on your phone. Maybe eventually you will gather the laundry, even if you are not ready to put it in the washer yet.
Wait times. What things do you enjoy that have natural wait times? This reminds me of watching tv with ads as a kid. Whenever an ad came on, we would dash through the house to grab a snack, run to the bathroom or get something we needed. Where are there natural breaks in your life that you can use to do a few care tasks while you are waiting for something else?
Bundling. This is a strategy I often use, combine your favorite netflix show, audiobook, music or podcast with whatever care task you’re not that excited to do. Combining something fun and motivating with the care task will create some momentum.
Body doubling. I have long been a propronent of this strategy. Call a friend and get them to come over, talk to them on the phone while you pick up around the house, or even put on a “clean with me” video from Youtube.
Use a timer. Set a visual timer for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. When the timer goes off, give yourself permission to stop if you feel like it. You will be amazed at how much you can get done in a short amount of time. A visual timer shows more than just the time but a visual representation of how long you have left, often color-coded to help with time management (green, yellow, red). I use a free app on my iphone called “Countdown.”
Of course, there are many other gems, tips and tricks in this book. So much of it is about changing your mindset and being kind to yourself. If you enjoyed these ideas for treating yourself gently, I highly recommend reading How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis.